(I post this every year, if I remember. I usually do. Going back to at least 2003.)
This post is to those who may have a very hard time today.
Relationships with mothers are very complex. So today may not be a day that has you all excited like so many others.
There are people I know who have no one to call, to give flowers to, today. They could put flowers on a headstone if they live close enough, but otherwise they have their memories, their photos. If I could be some sort of universal mother and speak some special mommy language, no matter how old you are, I would love to say to your moms look how beautiful your children turned out. And I could tell you with almost 100% certainty (and not 100% because there is always the cynic in me) that they are giving you that love from wherever they are. That their influence on you has marked your life. Those of you that I know who read this, who are having a day like this, are people that I would be proud of to have my kids turn out the same. Even if you think your life is perfect. Even if you think (and not all of you do) that maybe mom wouldn’t have been happy with your life. We know that our kids aren’t always what or who we want them to be, but we do want you happy. So don’t feel that way. Mom loves you. Happy Mothers Day to your mom.
Then — oh this one is personal to me — moms of angels. I know there are some on my list who have ‘only’ angel babies. Or those who have both — but still know that in their hearts it is still hard. Having the wonderful children I have doesn’t mean I don’t love my angels. I do. They are still my children. In one book I read, they were talking about how the final incarnation before heaven/nirvana/etc. has to be a perfect life. The life of a child not born, or died young, is as ‘perfect’ as it could be. No bile, no anger, nothing to work out. Somehow that gave me comfort. I know the awful awful pain of sitting that first mother’s day afterward, hoping someone would say something, but no one saying anything. Wanting acknowledgment for your child. You ARE a mother. Don’t forget that. If no one else says so, I say so. Happy Mothers Day.
Then to those I know who don’t have physical custody of their children. This also includes people on my list who may have children they put up for adoption, not just those who don’t have custody, or share custody, or whatever. Sometimes you have to do what you have to, for the best interests of your child. And you know what? Yourself. Nothing wrong with saying that. If you are still getting your life together, then you have to take care of yourself. Its hard to take care of another life if you are still tending to yours. And some may be in custody fights now. And don’t have your kids around. But that doesn’t make you less of a mom because you didn’t win a court case. You are still a mom. That doesn’t change. Happy Mothers Day.
There are those who can never have children. Beyond the possibilities of modern medicine. Today can’t be easy. So many questions (usually just WHY), looking around at women pushing carriages and people getting flowers. I still see women who would make great parents. Even if you don’t feel adoption or foster care is not the answer, you are no less a woman because of your reproductive system, and I find in my friends like that a nurturing in other parts of their lives. Other people, art, science, life, politics! You give birth every time you create, you mother every time you hold the hand of someone who needs it held, comfort someone who needs it. Ovaries don’t make a mom. Happy Mother’s Day on behalf of the people you mother, the life you give to the world around us.
Then this one is the hardest. Those who have had abusive mothers. Difficult or absent mothers. Moms aren’t perfect, and I am not going to get on my mom soapbox and tell you HONOR THY MOTHER. Today is hard for you. But I hope you found your comfort, your love, your guidance somewhere else in your life. You are brave souls, who made your own mothers when you had nothing else. Happy mothers day to you, because you deserve the credit for picking yourselves up and making it this far in life.
You know, for every situation here, I know more than one person it suits, who reads this. But I still thought of you individually. So no, I didn’t blab private stories, because I blended them, but I didn’t forget you either, by just pulling stuff out of a hat.
There are lots of other people who deserve to have a good day today, but I felt those groups were the most neglected.